"Life is bittersweet"

My great aunt Peg told me this very thing one time not all that long ago. She said that life is full of wonderful and not so wonderful things. The key is to really trust in the Lord and to savor the good things. It's a very romantic idea, almost poetic to me. And very true. Some may think of it as a tragic thought, since there is always a good to a bad, a bad to a good, a yin to the yang (bleh!), or an up to a down. It's not like one of Shakespheares tragedies so much as it is like a... roller coaster with lots of twists, turns, ups, downs, and then finally a grand finish with an exhilirating whoosh! at the end. Maybe. I'm still figuring all of this out. Many times I am tempted to only focus on the negative, or the bitter. But that is not the way I am supposed to live, nor is it the way that God would have me live. I don't know why this is so challenging, but sometimes it just is. Life has been throwing a lot of different things our way lately and sometimes it's just hard to figure things out.


At first we thought the Lord was leading us to a house, a home. A safe place for our children to grow up near family and friends. This, so far, has not come to pass despite the efforts we've put in. Falling in and out of escrow, and feeling broken hearted and demoralized as a result is not so much what we expected out of that. Then yesterday afternoon, a dear friend and once next door neighbor took me to her new house that she and her husband just bought nearby and, while I was extremely excited for them, my heart began to ache as I explored the halls of their new home... Aching out of how much I would miss them being so close by, mourning that loss, and feeling as though this same wonderful moment could never be called ours for my family. We are searching what God wants for our lives, and it may mean going over seas to be missionaries. Completely not what I had in mind for my own life ever before. Where is my sense of adventure in all this? Was it lost the moment I got married? The moment I had a child? Or was it just never really there and I just liked to think of myself as adaptable and resiliant? Oy. Not something you really want to admit to yourself. Perhaps I will find this adventure to my taste in the end. I sure hope so.


I want to be like my Aunt Peg, my friend Mary, and people like our good family friend, Carol. All three women are so upbeat and look at the good in life. They laugh all the time. They enjoy the challenges that life throws their way (or at least make it appear that way) and make it look effortless and fun in the process! So many times I ask myself why I can't be like them... And the answer comes back and stares me straight in the face... "You can," it says. "But how?" I ask the gentle voice inside of me. "Trust in me." I know it is God speaking to me through His Holy Spirit when I receive comfort like that. I am as sure of that as I am sure about the Word He whispered to me months ago, shortly after our daughter was born. While my husband and I felt in turmoil and loss as to what our lives will entail and what direction God would like us to go, He whispered "Wait expectantly." Today, as I was listening to Denise Biel speak to the women in our group, that word was expanded to "Wait Expectantly: I will restore." Wow. How impatient have I been to receive an answer to what God wants for us? How long have I made my husband suffer in my own insecurities as we waited for His calling? And then there it was, staring me in the face, yet again. Sure, it is not a word for word account of what our life will be like as the years go on, but the promises the Lord will fulfill are so great, that it is not important what the details are, because He will be sure to work them out for us. Yes, I'm sure I will still struggle about this from time to time... But that still, small voice He whispers will never leave me. I will never be alone. He will restore, and I can put my trust in Him and wait with excitement.